


Empty My Lungs, Help Me Breathe

by mixtapemily



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, I'm really projecting my experience onto seungmin im sorry, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sensory Overload, graphic descriptions of pain, i really hope my baby never feels this way, not a panic attack but similar description at points, so may be triggering please be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18403958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixtapemily/pseuds/mixtapemily
Summary: The other members think Seungmin is just being a disrespectful brat, but in reality he is experiencing the worst sensory overload he ever has had in his life and is trying not to have a breakdown in the middle of the practice room.





	Empty My Lungs, Help Me Breathe

“Are you even listening to anything Chan is saying,” Changbin said with an annoyed tone as he shoved past the younger to get to his water bottle. Chan had just called a break after the umpteenth mistake Seungmin had made. Chan had kept telling the boy what he was doing wrong, even giving suggestions to fix it, but as the practice carried on it only seemed that Seungmin’s dancing was only getting worse.

 

“If you don’t pick up the slack we’re going to be here all night, and even though you seem to think it’s fine to goof off right now, I would really appreciate getting more than five hours of sleep for once,” Jisung sneered as he followed behind Changbin.

 

Seungmin didn’t mean to keep messing up. He was trying to make his body move in the correct way on the correct beat, but the lights of the studio just seemed so bright and it felt like the music was vibrating so deeply in his bones that they would give way and his body would just be a heap on the ground at any moment. He didn’t mean to keep messing up, but it just felt like he couldn’t pay attention his mind was so divided on every little sense his body was experiencing.

 

“All right, let’s run it again,” Chan said with a cheerful clap of his hands. The sounded thundered through Seungmin’s ear and his eardrums began to burn in a way that made him just want to scratch them out of his head, anything to get the horrid ringing that was now settling in them to go away. “Seungmin, get in position, let’s go!”

 

Seungmin’s legs felt heavy and achy as he shuffled over to his position. The sweat that was running down the back of his neck felt too cold against his warm skin as his shirt started to feel like pins and needles where it stuck to the other sweaty parts of his torso. As he began to move to the music, the blisters that had been worked into his feet felt as if he was walking over hot coals as they began to burn. Tears were threatening to fall from Seungmin’s eyes as the idea of just even breathing seemed like too much and his body kept screaming to just stop.

 

They were only halfway through the song when Seungmin’s skin felt so hot that it seemed that at any second it would catch on fire. His eardrums were pounding so hard and just begging for the awful, loud music to stop torturing them. Seungmin could feel his body not move in the right way, but he couldn’t even care when he was struggling so hard to get his body to just move in the first place. The boy felt like he was about to finally break when the loud music finally stopped abusing his ears and he felt like he could breathe easier once again. That is until the shouting started once again.

“Are you even trying today, Seungmin? This move isn’t even that hard, here,” Chan started as began to grab Seungmin’s arm in time with the rhythm he humming out. As his arm wrapped around his forearm it felt like he was being stabbed with thousands of little knives, and oh god it hurt. It hurt and Seungmin just wanted it to stop.

 

“Don’t touch me,” The boy rushed out as he forced his limbs out of Chan’s touch. His tongue felt heavy as he forced the words out, feeling as if he had used the last bit of energy that his body had left in it.

 

Seungmin’s eyes met Chan’s eyes to see them fill with hurt and confusion as the loud replies of his bandmates began to fill the small the small practice room. Each new loud voice felt like another wave knocking him back into the ocean, making him sink deeper and deeper, making it impossible for him to breathe.

 

“You’re being such a brat today, Seungmin. Chan just wanted to help you!”

 

_ “Would it hurt you to put in a little more effort?” _

 

“It really isn’t that hard of a move, what is going on with you?”

 

_ “You didn’t deserve his help anyway.” _

“You need to start carrying your own weight!”

 

_ “You’re dragging the rest of the team down!” _

 

“Do you even want to be here?”

_“Should you even be here?”_

_**“You don’t deserve to be here.”** _

 

Seungmin didn’t know which words were from the other members and which words his own brain was yelling at him, all he could understand was the small voice in the back of his heading telling him to run. And that’s what he did.

 

His head pounded as he ran from the practice room as fast as his body would allow him. His muscles felt like they were tearing away from his bones and each breath felt like fire coursing in his lungs.

 

“Seungmin, get back here!”

 

He didn’t know where he was running to. He wanted to go back to the dorm and just lay somewhere, anywhere that it was just quite and dark and just nobody, but he knew the door was locked and the only one with a key was Chan. Tears were freely flowing down his cheeks by now as his legs threatened to give out from underneath him.

 

“Where do you think your going?” The voice felt so distant as he was pulled back into someone's arms. Fire. It felt like he was being burned alive, and he just wanted them to leave him alone.

 

“Don’t touch me!” He sobbed out as his body crumpled to the ground. The feeling of his knees knocking into the hard ground echoed throughout his body, feeling as if it would tear his body apart at the seems. “Don’t touch me!” He screamed once again as he tried to scramble away from the hands reaching out to grasp him.

 

“Minnie?” I gentle voice called out gently, only making sobs wrack through his body even harder and making his headache even worse. “Sweetheart, are you okay?” The same voice asked again as he watched a body crouch down next to him and look at him with the most worried look he has ever seen in his life. Hyunjin.

 

“Don’t touch me,” He whispered out brokenly as he let his overheated skin find solace against the cool ground. It seemed to be the only sensation grounding him at the moment. Enough to distract him from the other sensations, but not so much that it made his body reel in pain.

 

“I’m not going to touch you, Angel. Can you tell me what hurts?” Hyunjin spoke softly as his eyes glanced over the boy sprawled across the middle of the JYP hallway.

 

“Too much,” Seungmin choked out as he closed his eyes and let his mind bask in the darkness hidden behind his eyelids.

 

“Oh, Minnie. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Hyunjin said with a gentle sigh. “Can you stand up for me? And then I can go with you back to the dorm if you would like that.”

 

“Please,” Seungmin said with a small whimper as he began to lift his body from the only source of relief he had felt in hours.

 

Without another word Hyunjin got the key from Chan and the two boys silently made the ten minute walk to the dorm. A frown was settled on Hunjin’s lips as he watched the boy in front of him flinch at every small noise and curl even tighter in on himself at each small gust of wind. When they finally reached the dorm Hyunjin quickly unlocked the door, letting the distressed boy through the door before cautiously following him inside and quietly closing the door. Hyunjin watched on with a helpless feeling in his chest as the younger boy once again broke into cries as he tried to rid the sweaty clothes from his body as quickly as he could at the same time as he tried to shut every blind and make sure no light could reach the inside of the dorms.

 

With a final heave Seungmin through his body on the floor of his and Hyunjin’s bedroom floor and let the coolness relax his burning skin and let the quietness work out the stress in his aching bones.

 

“If you need me, I’ll be in the living room,” Hyunjin whispered, watching as Seungmin softly nodded his head before he gently closed the bedroom door.

 

A few hour laters as Hyunjin still sat on the couch without hearing a single sound from his bedroom and heard the slight jingle of the front door being opened. The rest of the members quietly filed into the dorm, obviously still aware of how sensitive Seungmin could still be.

 

“How is he?” Chan asked as he made his way over to Hyunjin and joined the boy on the couch before letting his head tiredly rest against his shoulder.

 

“He probably fell asleep by now, but I’m too worried to go check just incase it could set him off again,” Hunjin spoke as he began to pick at his nails.

 

“What even happened? I’ve never seen him like that before,” Minho said as he joined the other two in the living room.

 

“Probably sensory overload, but I can never be for sure until Minnie tells me,” He sighed out.

 

“Why didn’t he say anything?” Chan questioned.

 

“Sometimes he doesn’t need to, at least that’s what he told me. Sometimes he can make through the schedule and then just needs to be left alone at the end of the day, but sometimes it’s too much and I just wish he would say something when that happens. It’s so hard to watch him let himself get that bad. It hurts to watch him be in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.”

 

“But you did do something about, Jinnie. You recognized what was happened, and you handled it to the best of your abilities. You made sure he got to a place that he was comfortable and that he could work through what was happening. That’s all he could ever ask from you,” Chan said as he pulled Hyunjin into a hug as a way to comfort the younger boy.

 

“I just wish I would’ve noticed earlier. I should’ve noticed earlier. I should’ve noticed the second he told you not to touch him. Why didn’t I notice, Hyung,” Hyunjin choked out as he buried his face into their leader’s chest.

 

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re probably a little overworked, too. It’s a little hard to see others struggling and when you’re struggling yourself,” Chan said softly as he ran his fingers through the others hair.

 

“But he’s my boyfriend I should’ve-”

 

“Hyunjin, he understands. This is Seungmin we are talking about here, he understands. Maybe that’s why he tried to hold it in. And that might just be something you need to talk to him about. Tell him that even if he feels like you already have enough to deal with that you still have time to help him, because that is obviously what you want him to understand from what you’ve told me.”

 

“Thanks, Hyung,” Hyunjin whispered as he pulled away and wiped away the stray tears that made their way down his cheeks.

 

“Hey, look who’s risen from the dead,” Jisung quietly teased as they all turned their heads to the doorway.

 

There stood Seungmin in his boxers, but now with one of Hyunjin’s softest and most oversized sweatshirts. The hood was pulled up and the strings pulled tight, leaving only a small circle with his face peeking out as his hands were buried deep into the front pocket. At Jisung’s teasing, Hyunjin watched as Seungmin’s lips pulled up slightly on the ends and his eyes filled with the light that seemed to have been missing from them the whole day.

 

“Feeling better?” Hyunjin asked, still keeping his voice low as he didn’t know how much Seungmin could still handle at this time.

 

“Yeah, just physically and mentally exhausted,” Seungmin groaned out as he crawled into Hyunjins lap, letting his head fall onto his shoulders.

 

“I can let you sleep in a little bit tomorrow, if that would help,” Chan interjected as he stared softly at the extra cuddly looking boy.

“Please,” He whispered out as he buried himself deeper into Hyunjin. “I’m sorry,” He added a moment later, followed by a quiet sniffle.

 

“Hey, no. I should’ve noticed something was off. As your leader I should’ve been able to tell that there was something wrong. And as your leader, I hoped you would’ve been comfortable enough to tell me what was wrong,” Chan said as he reached out to grab Seungmin’s hand before he quickly retreated it scared of what the younger’s reactions would be.

 

Seungmin gently turned his bod towards Chan before taking a hold of his hand and sending him a soft smile. “I will next time, I promise. You all just seemed so stressed and I didn’t want to worry you anymore-”

 

“Your health is more important that any choreography, or deadline, or comeback for that matter. There is no point in doing this if we’re not happy, Min. This goes for any of you guys, if anything is going on please talk to someone. It may seem scary, but it will be okay, I promise,” Chan said has he placed a gentle kiss to Seungmin’s forehead before looking at all of his members. “Now, how about we all go to bed, it’s been a long day,” He said as he started to stand up from the couch.

 

“Hyung, I’m hungry,” Seungmin called as Chan started to making his way towards the rooms.

 

“Oh, what do you want, Minnie?” Chan asked quickly turning around.

 

“I was actually talking to, Woojin…” He trailed off as he let his eyes start to wander, not meeting the elders gaze as a small giggle started to fall from his lips.

 

“Ah, you stinker!” Chan exclaimed as he tore his slipper off and started to joking hit the other boy’s leg with it.

 

And yeah, maybe sometimes Seungmin was a brat. But sometimes Seungmin also just has a bad day. He really couldn’t be more lucky than to be going through these experiences with eight people he could call his family, and knows he can always rely on.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this seems like a lot just for sensory overload, but I feel like people don't acknowledge how horrible of an experience this can truly be. It can go further than just feeling irritated or just everything feeling off and it seeming like you just need sometime without people. For myself, they can be pretty horrible and sometimes it feels like your body is tearing itself apart. Make sure your friends are always okay, and don't always treat this as such a light thing! If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm always here!
> 
> \- Emi


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